I Am No Longer the Last Person on Earth Who Hasn’t Read Twilight

Twilight
By: Stephanie Meyer
498 Pages
Publisher: Little, Brown and Company

Synopsis: New girl in town falls in love with vampire. Hijinx ensue.

This isn’t a review per se, because there’s no point in reviewing something that roughly 99.9% of the people on earth have already read. It’ll be more of a collection of thoughts based on my feelings and reactions. And accordingly, I will be mentioning some things that are spoilerrific.

So. Twilight. I held out for so many years before finally breaking down and cracking this one open. What prompted me to finally do so? So glad you asked. In fact, it’s a combination of having it thrust upon me by a family member and burning shame. To put it succinctly, my aunt’s partner lent me the entire beautiful hardback collection two years ago on Christmas, telling me that I absolutely HADDDD to read the series. They’ve been sitting on my shelf ever since. I really want to give them back to her this Christmas and I refuse to have to admit that I kept them for this long and never actually read them. So I’m cramming in the entire series over the next few days leading up to the big Noel festivities. I should point out that vodka (most specifically chocolate whipped cream vodka with diet cherry Dr. Pepper) may or may not be involved as my drink of choice while slogging through, which likely means that my summaries of these books: A) will be meaner than usual; and B) will reflect the deterioration of my mental state/review notes as I become more and more inebriated. This is rare for me (the drinking to inebriation, not the  meanness) but I’m on vacation from the holidays and also ostensibly an adult.  So…yeah.

Let me state for the record, I liked Twilight. I liked it, OK? I did. Don’t judge me. And while it might not be “cool” or “cynical” or “ironic” enough for all of my hipster friends (just imagine all of these air quotes in your head, please) , I liked it. And if that makes me wrong, well…I actually did badly want to be right. But I’m wrong anyway, and I’m not ashamed. So there.

That said, I am a bit of a cynic/misanthrope/asshole by nature. I make fun of things on an almost professional level. I am who I am, and frankly I don’t see that changing now that I’ve lived 30+ years. I gotta be me. So while I will freely admit that I LIKED TWILIGHT AND I AM NEITHER A TEENAGER OR A TWI-MOM, I’m going to make fun of it. I’m going to call out things that are bullshit or completely bizarre or unnatural. Because let’s be honest, some aspects of the story are just begging for it. Let’s go!

  • I’d like to know – and not just because I actually did imbibe quite a bit of alcohol while reading this book – has anyone invented a good Twilight drinking game yet? I know it’s been done for the movie (and I plan to play it, since I’ve never seen anything of the movies beyond the trailers) but what about for the book? Because I made one up, and the rules were super simple. Any time Bella acts like a petulant asshat and glares/scowls at Edward, take a drink. Any time Edward chuckles at her petulant asshattery, take a drink. Please note that I don’t encourage anyone to actually do this. If you do and you end up with massive alcohol poisoning before you get to page 100, don’t look at me.
  • Vampires apparently find everything funny, whether or not it actually IS funny. Edward or one of his fangy family members was always guffawing or chuckling or flat-out laughing the velvety laugh of a god at something. Edward seems to be the supernatural equivalent of the LOL WUT pear.
  • I know I’m not the only one who noticed that despite being OMG so super in love, Bella and Edward really don’t seem to even like one another for a very substantial part of the book. Or maybe I just couldn’t figure out why they liked one another. She came off as a joyless buzzkill and he came off as maddeningly condescending. Granted I haven’t been a teenager for a while, but I don’t remember finding guys who were condescendingly smirky as desirable for anything other than kicking their necks in.
  • While there’s been a kerfuffle about Bella putting up with abuse, I didn’t really see Edward’s behavior as controlling so much as really, really annoying. He was kind of a dick. Welcome to the world of teenage boys (disclaimer so that I don’t offend: they’re not all dicks, but a lot of them really are). Who didn’t deal with some smug douchewad when they were a teenage girl? While I didn’t see it as abuse, I did wonder why Bella put up with it. And I did wonder why she was in love with Edward so quickly when he really didn’t earn it. Maybe it was because he’s so beautiful. Or at least, that’s how he’s described in the book. I kept picturing him as Robert Pattinson who, in my opinion, has a face like a slapped ass. Regardless, being hot doesn’t change the fact that he came off as a perma-chuckling twat. Despite this I managed to find Bella ten times more annoying that I found him so that’s a point in his favor. They sort of deserved one another.
  • I was kind fuzzy on why Bella lived a life so full of pratfalls that she should have had Yackety Sax playing in the background. According to Edward it was because “her number was up.” Was this some kind of Final Destination shit going down? It was kind of absurd after a while. I mean, she doesn’t run from an imminent gang rape because she falls down when she runs? Brilliant. Makes sense to me. I was waiting for someone to throw a banana peel on the ground and her to slip on it.
  • I expected Jacob to be the same age as Bella. The fact that he’s younger blew my mind all over my face. I don’t know why I had such a hard time getting past this minor point. It weirded me out in a way I can’t quite put my finger on.
  • He’s leaving. He’s staying. He can’t be near her. He can’t not be near her. He’s dangerous. He’ll never hurt her. They hate each other. They love each other. He’s no good for her. He saves her life at every turn. Blabbity blah, yadda yadda, ad nauseum.
  • Confirming my suspicions that I am, in fact, still a 12 year old boy, all I could think of when he watched her sleep is that sometimes our bodies make certain noises in our sleep. Noises that have nothing to do with talking. Noises that are considered somewhat awkward in social situations and also the complete opposite of attractive. Finding out that your crush is a night-farter would put the brakes on the budding romance pretty quickly, I’d imagine. Some things are better left to the imagination. Also, I realize that I really never want some some creeper to watch me sleep. Unless, of course, that someone has been waiting his entire life to longingly watch the slumber of someone who wears an old hockey t-shirt to bed, drools like a St. Bernard and looks exactly like this when she wakes up:
  • Somewhat related: every time she mentioned how much she loved smelling his breath I wanted to vom. Really. I can’t think of anything less sexy than smelling someone’s breath. Especially someone who thinks of plasma the same way I think of McDonalds (as in, it’s not even in the same ballpark as actual food but once a  month or so I get a craving so bad I would cheerfully and brutally murder anyone who tried to keep me from eating it). And doubly especially when the breath in question is quite literally coming out of an animated cadaver. Yeah, I’ll bet that smells just amazing. There aren’t enough Tic-Tacs in the world for that.
  • I think Bella needs anger management lessons. She got pissed enough to cry over things that were pretty un-cryworthy in the big picture. She angry-cried over a couple of things that were actually very nice/romantic/thoughtful, which seemed pretty ungrateful to me. Take it down a notch, girlfriend. Perma-PMS is no way to go through life.
  • The sparkly vampire thing did bug, I’m not going to lie. Points for originality, though.

So there are my random and somewhat alcohol soaked thoughts on Twilight. I’m about 200 pages into New Moon (and about 3/4 of the way into the bottle of vodka) right now, so my review-ish rant fest/childish tomfoolery regarding that one will be coming soon.

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4 Comments

  1. This is brilliant – YOU are brilliant. I am so relieved to know that I am not the only person in my 30’s whose mind could not stop going to “nighttime noises” whenever Angstward watched her sleep. Great review!

    Reply
  2. Definitely not just you! I was totally mortified. There is nothing beautiful about someone while they’re sleeping.

    Reply
  3. Ohdeargod! This is my FAVORITE REVIEW EVER!!! I’m like you, I liked it, but can still laugh at it. Now what I REALLY need you to do, once you’ve read the books, is to review the movies.
    Seriously, I’m gonna tweet the shut out of this review!

    Reply
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