Review/live-ish Blog of the Twilight Movie. Kill Me Now.

“Smile, kids!”

“…..we are smiling.”

I’ve decided to do this as a bit of a hybrid live-blog/MST3K style in the sense that I’m typing live (and alive while typing, of course) but I’ll be jotting down just basic ideas to expand on later and/or pausing to collect my thoughts. I will not be editing for content so you should expect things to go downhill as the movie wears on and I get more intoxicated crankier. It’ll be better that way, because I have a feeling this is going to be a real shitshow. So here I am, drink in one hand and remote in the other. I’ll be watching in glorious Blu-Ray so I don’t miss one pore on Edward’s clammy skin or drop of sweat glistening on Jacob’s gratuitously displayed and thoroughly under-aged abs. And I’m pressing play…now.

Our narrator is apparently Kristen Stewart? Her voice sounds slightly less human and animated than this guy’s:

“All the bitches think I’m pretty, bought my face at Circuit City.” – Pimpbot 5000

Oh, there she is! It’s Bella! Hey Bella, what’s up?

Oh, ok then. Status quo.

The house actually looks a lot like I pictured it in my mind, so score one for me. I expected there to be a large neon arrow pointing at it with a sign that says, “Bitch lives here” but I guess they wanted to keep it PG-13.

Oh man, there’s Jacob! I didn’t expect to see him this early on, I guess I forgot that he turns up so soon. I hope he brought his abs. Hi, Jacob!

Hey.

Is it me or are Taylor Lautner’s teeth, like, jarringly white? Cute kid (much better than Pattinson) but it looks like he’s got a mouth full of bleached chicklets. It reminds me of that episode of Friends where Ross over-bleached his teeth and they ended up glowing in the dark.

This is already some of the most awkward acting I’ve seen since my friend’s kid’s middle school play (which was Jesus Christ Superstar performed by a bunch of tone deaf pubescent children, a truly macabre experience I’d compare to a root canal performed without anesthesia). It’s reaching terribad levels and I’m not even ten minutes in.

This is not how I pictured Eric, with hair that looks like a Justin Beiber shag wig. Probably because I was in denial that that particular hairstyle existed. And jesus, there’s Anna Kendrick and even she is awful. I’m going to need another bottle of alcohol and possibly some prescription drugs here. Just kidding. But not really. If I had some I’d probably take them. All I’ve got in my medicine cabinet at the moment is Advil, Retin-A and some Magic Swizzle left over from when I had tonsilitis.

And heeere come the beautiful and terrifying Cullens. Like nobody can even notice that these people have black eyes and no melatonin? And oh! Oh! Here comes Edward! Watch him smolder!

Hrm. I get the impression that I’ve seen Edward somewhere before, but I just can’t put my finger on it. No, wait…it’ll come to me, just give me a second to think. Gah! Oh wait! I’ve got it!

He is described by Jessica as “obviously gorgeous,” so apparently I’m missing the obvious. Not the first time. That said, I can seriously think of like ten hotter vampires right off the top of my head. No kidding. Watch:

  1. Angel
  2. Spike
  3. Ryan Reynolds as Hannibal King in that awful Blade movie
  4. Ian Somerhalder
  5. That other guy from The Vampire Diaries
  6. Alexander Saarsgard
  7. The guy from that Being Human show on SyFy
  8. The guy from that Being Human show on BBC America
  9. Brad Pitt in Interview with the Vampire
  10. Count Chocula

And oh my god, Bella stepped in front of a fan and it blew her hair all over the place, and Edster covered his nose right in front of her like she had just stepped in dog shit and he knew it. And she’s surreptitiously sniffing her own hair to see if she smells bad. And he’s glaring at her with rage in his eyes. And there’s a stuffed owl behind him whose wings are giving him the metaphorical appearance of an angel. Symbolism in Twilight! Amazing. Things are looking up.

Oh holy balls, she’s already slipping and falling down all over the place. Too bad she didn’t break her frowning muscles so those of us watching wouldn’t have to see her scowling for the next two hours. This is a welcome change from the book, though: people are already dying by “wild animal attacks.” Apparently the writers of the movie noticed that Bella and Edward giving each other the stink eye for an hour or so didn’t exactly make for compelling viewing. The classroom scene where he introduces himself/leers at her is still in here, though. And the teacher looks suspiciously like Tony Shaloub. Too bad it’s not, maybe Adrian Monk could figure out the mystery of why any man with an IQ larger than that of a turnip would find Bella remotely interesting. I will say this: I’m surprised to find that Pattinson is more attractive when he’s actually speaking/smiling than when he’s gazing vapidly into a still camera with hair that looks like it was left outside in a typhoon. I did expect Edward to be better dressed, though. He’s not really working that $5 Hanes t-shirt.

Oh, the scene where Bella is nearly killed by one of those vans that usually only belong to creepos who try to lure little children! Too bad Edward was around. He could have saved us all a lot of whining by letting her get crushed like a circus peanut. His family is looking on in shock and horror. And what, exactly, is up with Jasper? He looks perpetually surprised, like someone is goosing him every five seconds.

My first LOL moment! It only took 22 minutes. Ladies and gentlemen, Dr. Carlisle Cullen:

Oh. Muh. Gawd. It looks like they used a crane to dip the actor into a bucket of white grease paint. And Bella has just had her first asshole moment where she refuses to let a subject die and just be grateful that Edward helped her out. Drink!

I seriously can’t stop staring at Jasper. He looks like Raggedy Andy from hell. And apparently his real name is Jackson Rathbone. What a frucking amazing name. Say it as an old English butler would. Jackson RAATH-bone. Just incredible. And that’s the end of drink number one (which is really, like, number four since I started earlier while I watched the hockey game…don’t judge me).

And here we go! We have our first instance of Edward telling Bella she should stay away from him. Drink, people, drink!

We’re at the beach at La Push and a lecture was just given by Bella. To someone else. About being a strong, independent woman. Excuse me while I spontaneously combust, plz.

Oh hey, Victoria, James and Laurent just showed up waaaaay earlier in the book than they do in the movie. Nobody’s even playing baseball! Let’s hope that if they’re not following the book letter for letter, Bella dies early. I still hope they have the vampire baseball game, though. That can only lead to hilarity.

The guys in the attempted gang rape scene look way, way less intimidating than they should. Seriously. I’m pretty sure I could kick these guys’ balls up around their necks. But unlike in the book Edward takes the time to growl at them after rescuing Bella, so…drink!

Kristen Stewart is just, like, not a good actress. At all. Is it this role? Am I being unfair? I don’t remember thinking she was this bad in Adventureland, but I may have been distracted in that one since I was mesmerized that it was shot at the local amusement park. I’ve mentioned before that I have a weakness for movies shot in Pittsburgh. I’ve seen Sudden Death with Jean-Claude Van Damme. Twice. Anyway, she always looks perplexed. Or constipated. Maybe it’s constipated. And her mouth never fully closes, so she’s totes a mouthbreather. Which is, of course, disgusting and unattractive, making one wonder even more why all these dudes are up in her shit.

Oh man, a scene that was nowhere to be found in the book. Marcel Marceau has shown up and has examined a dead body found in a boat. Oh wait…sorry, no, that’s Carlisle. My mistake. Isn’t this dude playing Carlisle the one who used to be married to that girl from the old 90210? Except whiter? Then Bella goes into the police precinct or whatever to talk to her dad, and he gives her the gift of pepper spray to deal with the alleged “wild animal” that has begun terrorizing Forks. Awesome gift, dad. I’ll be out menacing the wildlife in no time.

Bella accepts really easily that Edward is a vampire. I mean really, I have met some weird dudes while internet dating. WEIRD DUDES. One lived above a funeral home and played the tuba. One chain-smoked and lied about not being bald for two dates (in hindsight, I should have wondered why he never took his hat off). One collected clown memorabilia. I wish I were kidding about that one, but in my defense I didn’t know before I agreed to go out with him and he seemed really normal aside from that. I never suspected that any of them were vampires. The thought never even entered my head, because I’m not a lunatic. I definitely didn’t come home from any of those dates and google “cold ones.” I did come home from those dates and google “home security systems” and “rape whistle”, but vampires never crossed my mind.

LOL moment #2 – Edward running with Bella on his back. Possibly the most ludicrous special effect I’ve ever seen. As far as sparkling in the sunlight, he just looked ultra sweaty to me, like a normal person would after a run. I say normal person, because after a run I look like someone strapped to a gurney with an oxygen mask planted on her mouth. It really doesn’t look beautiful to me. And now he’s jumping all over the forest, pulling up trees and shit. Somebody call the National Park Service and report this asshole. There’s no reason to uproot a perfectly good tree to try to impress some dipshit. And she’s not afraid, even when he compares her to heroin. That would chase me off faster than the vampire thing, but I’m paranoid that everyone is a drug addict. Or I used to be, when I was online dating bald guys and John Wayne Gacy.

And they’re talking about being in love already even though they’ve known each other for, like, five minutes. And they’ve spent 4:55 of that five fighting. My eyebrows could not possibly get any closer together at this point. I’m actually frowning in consternation. They’ve consternated me.

I enjoy that Edward calls his family vegetarians because they only live on the blood of animals. No…that’s called a carnivore. He says it’s because they don’t dine on human blood. Which, if I’m not mistaken, actually only means that they’re not cannibals. Try again, Edward.

Tyler Lautner’s wig is back and it makes me want to do something drastic like burn down an orphanage. Full of puppies. Who thought that putting a Halloween witch wig on his head was a good idea? It still doesn’t touch Jasper’s hair in terms of sheer ridiculousness. That thing looks like a frosted fright wig. If I came across a man with that hair in real actual life, I’d have him arrested on sight. Probably after staring at him for an awkward length of time. Of course, he’d catch me staring because he never blinks. Ever. Another oddity that nobody else picks up on.

I will say that Stewart & Pattinson actually have pretty good chemistry, which is extremely impressive since they’re both carved from large blocks of wood and have no human emotions. And…we’re getting a montage. We are getting a montage. The cheesiest move of all time in an already cheesy movie. It’s a Bella and Edward montage, and now I hate everything and everyone.

If possible, Mike Newton is even more of a sad sack schmuck in the movie than he is in the books. And Edward is even creepier as he confesses that he likes watching her sleep. It’s still more weird and less sexy. In fact, it is the opposite of sexy. It is sexless. It is disturbing on so many levels I can’t even begin.

OMG, they’re showing the vampire baseball scene. I am dying alive. This might be the most ridiculous/corniest thing I’ve seen in my entire life. And it’s set to Supermassive Black Hole by Muse, which I feel is done as a personal affront to me. Lots of slo-mo swinging of bats/walking. And here come the bad vampires. Also doing the slo-mo walk, but they aren’t the primary stars so they just get generic techno music. Close-ups of squinting eyes. Tilting heads. Some squatting. Some metaphorical swinging of sexual appendages. Now running.

The climax kind of is anti-climactic compared to the book. Sort of rushed, you know? Bella just gets away from Alice and Frosted Fright Wig way too easily. I mean, they’re vampires, correct? One of whom actually sees the future? And a half-wit like Bella gives them the slip that quickly? I did like that they showed more of James’ death, and apparently they kill him with fire. It was kind of glossed over in the book. Then while Bella is in the hospital Edward tries to send her away and she gets literally tongue tied. Absurd. And drink!

I can’t believe this movie uses the song Flightless Bird, American Mouth by Iron & Wine. I am completely thunderstruck. Stunned. This song is way too awesome for this movie. Incidentally, if you’ve never heard it, use this handy link to listen to it now. In fact, listen to lots of Iron & Wine. Look up Boy With a Coin while you’re at it. Sam Beam, your beard is impressive.

Again with Taylor Lautner’s wig. Somebody please put that thing out of its misery. I did enjoy his snarl at Edward (drink!), though. It was a legit snarl. I guess we have to wait for New Moon for his abs to figure into the story.

Bullshit scene where she wants Edward to make her a vampire and he refuses. Emotionless narration. Lurking evil vampire walking in slo-mo to set up the sequel. The end.

I’m a little disappointed, all in all. The laughter/rage fodder in the book is significantly higher than that in the movie. Or maybe it’s just that I’ve already laughed/raged at most of this, because a lot of the most preposterous scenes are directly lifted from the books. Also I have so say, I’m surprised that I find the characters distinctly less annoying than they are in the books. I guess that’s because there’s less of Bella’s direct thoughts. Don’t get me wrong, she’s still a simpering ninny of a co-dependent turd, but she’s not quite the same level of annoying that she is in the books. And Pattinson actually makes Edward less broody/chuckling/condescending. So while I’d say that I prefer the books overall, the characters are less annoying in the movies. And I still don’t get why or how these two are so in love.

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4 Comments

  1. I love you….that is all.

    Reply
  2. Epic. Just epic.

    Reply
  3. Ila

     /  December 30, 2011

    Reading this review had me in tears. More entertaining than the movie itself. Oh, Rutger Hauer is my vote for most handsome vampire.

    Reply
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